Fiona asks, “What makes a good funeral?”

Fiona Crocker, Vicar in Cam with Stinchcombe Benefice reflects on the role that a funeral plays when we are grieving a loved one.

“When I stand at the door after leading a funeral, there are those who shake my hands and say that was ‘a lovely funeral.’

“Saying goodbye well, gaining some form of closure, is all part of our journey to maintain good mental health after we have lost a loved one. We hear of stories where saying goodbye well has not been possible. Individuals live with the consequences of this for months, if not years. This has caused me to think about what enables us as human beings to create a moment in time when we say goodbye to a loved one well. A time where we are able to honour the person who has died and also create a safe place to mourn and to be comforted. I have increasingly been concerned about this as I hear about cost cutting ways for a funeral to occur involving ‘just a cremation with no service or anyone present’ as advertised widely on our TVs.

“I wonder what are your thoughts about this? Can you think of times when grieving the loss of a loved one has been made easier because of the support you received from an undertaker at the funeral or the care you received from a priest or celebrant? It may have been hearing stories that were shared at the funeral when a number of people met together in a unique gathering to say goodbye. In our current culture, a ‘quick fix’ is often desired and is perhaps reinforced by another aspect of our culture which is to remove ourselves from the reality of death. Therefore the offer, however kindly given, to take your loved one away and for the cremation to happen without any family or friends can seem the ‘perfect ending.’ It also appeals to those who ‘do not want any fuss’ for their families at the end of life, and saving money is a bonus.

“However, in all of this I want to flag up a warning. Human beings need to understand that death happens and cannot be avoided. Children need to know in some way, appropriate to their age, that death happens. Grief needs outlets to be worked through, and those going through this rollercoaster of emotions need comfort from family, friends and sometimes professionals, including priests, celebrants, counsellors and GPs. The more we isolate ourselves from the death that has happened so we isolate ourselves in our grief journey. The funeral service is not just to honour the individual, but it is to comfort one another as we mourn the one we have loved but see no longer. A celebrant recently reported his fear that the need for bereavement counselling would soar if the ‘direct to cremation’ funerals continued to increase.*

“In having a ‘no fuss’, direct to cremation funeral, it is suggested that money saved on a service can be spent on a ‘celebration.’ My observation about this offer is that many of these memorials or celebrations were going to happen after Covid but few actually happened. A family organising a ‘large get together’ is harder to do than we might think.

“So what is it about a funeral service that works well? There is something quite unique about organising a funeral with an impartial person – the priest, celebrant or undertaker- bringing family members, friends, neighbours from across the ages, across the country and sometimes even from across the world. I know, for example, if I had been just having a party after my Mum’s death, I would have not been aware or able to invite all her friends or community colleagues as I did not know all of them. I also would have struggled to organise this even within my own wider family. If I had just had a limited celebration, I would have missed out on so many heart-warming stories that came from her friends which lifted my spirits and enabled me to be even more thankful to have called her my Mum.

“So, what is a ‘good funeral?’ I would like you to tell me. I think that it involves someone, a third party, engaging in arrangements with close family, friends and community, and putting on an event which invites all those who would like to attend. This event has tears and laughter, memories and thanksgiving, a place to mourn and an opportunity to look to the future with hope. I ask you to consider carefully what this might look like for you and to begin to give your funeral some thought, even to write your own plan down where your family will find it.

“The relief I have seen on family members’ faces when there are clear instructions from their deceased loved one is noticeable. Let’s not forget that a funeral is not just about celebrating the one who has died but also for those who are left behind to mourn, to have some closure and to say goodbye well. I know times are hard and we are looking for ‘savings’ and ways to cut costs. However, let’s have a conversation about how we can make a funeral service as reasonable in price as possible but ensure we create a safe place for grief to be expressed and our loved ones who are left behind to be cared for well.”

Find out more about Gloucestershire Funerals here →

The Diocese of Gloucester is running a course in funeral and bereavement ministry starting in April 2025. Find out more →

A group of people of all different ages sharing a meal together